With the release of the "Sonic Gems Collection" coming up, I thought it's important to answer a few of the "Frequently Asked Questions" that keep popping up like Larry King's wang on Viagra.
Sonic Gems F.A.Q
By Quacker Duk
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Table of Contents
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A. General:
1a. Why is it called "Sonic Gems?"
2a. Why isn't "Knuckle's Chaotix" on this game?
3a. What systems is it for?
4a. Why is there no "Chaotix?"
5a. What games are on it?
6a. Are you sure there is no "Chaotix?"
B. Sonic CD:
1b. Which soundtrack is it, US, or Japanese?
2b. Who's that little pink girl?
3c. How do you get the good ending?
C. Sonic R:
1c. Is this version cursed?
2c. What's wrong with the music?
3c. This isn't how I remember the game.
D. Sonic the Fighters (Sonic Championship):
1d. Why haven't I seen this before?
2d. Who are Bark and Bean?
3d. An 8th emerald, and it's black? Whaaaaaaaaa?
4d. Could Shadow kick all these jerks' asses?
E. Game Gear Games:
1e. How do you beat Sonic 2?
2e. Who's this Fang the Sniper?
3e. Who's this Nack the Weasel?
4e. Are any of these games worth playing?
F. Bonus Content and Games
1f. What bonus games are there?
2f. What bonus content is there?
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A. General:
1a. Why is it called "Sonic Gems?"
Because these are supposedly rare "gems" in a Sonic collectors' library. Prior to "Gems", the game was called "Sonic Family Jewels," but that was dropped when someone at Sega realize what it meant. The original title, "Sweaty Sonic Testicles" was abandoned for similar reasons as well.
2a. Why isn't "Knuckle's Chaotix" on this game?
Because you touch yourself at night.
3a. What systems is it for?
Gamecube and Playstation 2. Sorry Xboxers. You'll have to just keep playing "Halo 2," 'ya looser.
4a. Why is there no "Chaotix?"
Because you had impure thoughts about your best friend's mother.
5a. What games are on it?
Sonic CD, Sonic R, Sonic the Fighters (Sonic Championship), and the Sonic Game Gear games.
5a. Are you sure there is no "Chaotix?"
Just as sure as I am that you touch yourself while thinking about your friend's mother. Please, get out of here. You sicken me.
B. Sonic CD:
1b. Which soundtrack is it, US, or Japanese?
The US. I don't get it, just because we live in the US, where the US version of the game was released, they insist on giving us the US version of the game. It's madness. (Note: The previous comment was meant to be read with sarcasm, and for some reason, a Dutch accent.)
2b. Who's that little pink girl?
Amy Rose, before she cracked and went Glen Close in "Fatal Attraction" on Sonic. INTERESTING FACT: Sonic CD Amy Rose was actually a young Raven Simone in a plush costume.
3c. How do you get the good ending?
One of three ways. Either collect all the Time Stones, destroy all the seed pods in the past, or time travel to 1940's Germany and defeat Hitler with the Rainbow Sword. Remember, if you chose to fight Hitler, make sure to enable the Love Beam, or defeating him will just take you straight back to the first level.
C. Sonic R:
1c. Is this version cursed?
No, thank God. These new iterations are thankfully safe to play. We have Nintendo's own Myamoto to thank for that. Apparently, not only is he a world class game designer, but also an ancient Japanese Wizard, too. Knowing all two well the dark doom set forth by such games as "Sonic R," "Taboo," and "Sunday Funday," he has long researched methods of protecting gamers from occult afflictions. The Gamecube was built with this in mind, and the CPU contains an assortment of magical crystals, bound together by the intestines of a sacrificial chicken. Working in tandem, these crystals help balance the four elements of nature, and keep harmful spirits like the Tails Doll at bay. Since the Sony Playstation lacks these chi-harmonizing relics, Sega had to get each separate PS2 version disc blessed by BOTH the Pope and Ron Jeremy before it was safe to play.
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NOTE: The following was just sent to me by Archerfish 1989!.
Hello. I love your sight, but I have some news you may should be aware of.
You posted an FAQ for Sonic Gems Collection. In there you said that the version of Sonic R in that collection was safe. You are wrong. Here's my story.
A few days ago I picked up the Gems Collection. I was worried because I had heard of the curse of Sonic R. But I laid that to rest, knowing how this version was safe to play. I popped it in and beat Sonic R in less than two hours. I actually found the game pretty addictive and it soon became one of my most frequently-played games on Gems.
All was well, until today. I chose Sonic R from he menu and began playing. I was in the mood for a time attack match and decided to try out "Tag 4 Characters". Looking at the characters I thought, "Heh, I should pick Tails Doll. That would be humorous. Tails Doll chasing down the others." Indeed, it entertained me so much that I chose Tails Doll and began the game.
I heard my brother come in my room. When he realized what I was doing, he said, "No! What are you doing!? You know about Tails Doll"
"Don't worry," I said, "check the site. According to the FAQ that person made, this version is safe." Upon reading your FAQ his fears were destroyed. But not for long.
"Wait!" he cried, "your playing the tag game? What if Tails doll isn't tagging, but draining their very life force energies! He could use that energy to break Miyamato's seal!"
I laughed. I laughed! "Dude, calm down. With Tails Doll you only chase after the robots. They're cold machines with no life at all. It's fine."
But I was overlooking a vital detail. Super Sonic. I didn't think much of it because he was only one -- how could he break a powerful seal with only Sonic's life energy? But I forgot to add to my calculations the fact that Sonic's spirit was now enriched with the power of 7 Chaos Emeralds!
I continued playing, and I did eventually tag Super Sonic. As soon as I did, the screen went wacky. Crazy stuff happened, until it turned to Tails Doll's splash page (you know, the one when you beat the game with Tails Doll), and the game over music from Sonic CD was playing. (Either that, or it really was the evil laughter of the Tails Doll.)
I had realized what I had done. Iin horror I turned to my computer and tried to email you! But at first the connection was down. The urgency of the matter was too great, I went outside, going door to door, begging to use their Internet. They all thought I was crazy. I went to my friends house and he let me use his computer. I logged into my email account but was stopped. Pop ups, pop ups everywhere! All with the words "Can you feel the sunshine?" So many that I couldn't get to composing mail.
I went home, defeated. Until recently. I was in my room, trying to get it off my mind. Then...my Gamecube suddenly turned on. Then I heard the "Can You Feel the Sunshine ACID Remix" form the museum. I looked in horror as the Tails Doll appeared, and came out of the TV. I ran. I just ran. But I tripped and fell down the stairs. (My room was in the basement) I saw him. When I thought it was over, I heard:
"Don't be afraid, mortal." He had no mouth. I heard this in my head. His body just hovered there. Those blank eyes..that gem...
Mortified, I asked, "Why not? I know who you are!"
"You have done a great deed. Thanks to you, Miyamato's seal is broken. Here anyway. I will repay you, buy sparing you. But under one condition. Tell no one of how to brake the seal. They can not be warned."
Then, the lights flickered, and he vanished in the shadows.
Even though he told me not to, the one condition that he will allow me to be spared, I know that he cannot escape. No one else can make my mistake. So I'm sending this mail to you.
DO NOT play
the "Tag 4 Characters" game with Tails Doll. If one does, for some
reason (maybe the controller slipped), then exit immediately! Tagging the robots
are safe. They have no life. But tagging Super Sonic will allow Tails Doll to
steal his Chaos Emerald-enriched life energy and muster what energy he needs
to break the Miyamato seal.
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2c. What's wrong with the music?
Nothing. It's from a special musical genera called Euro-Pop, which is derived from the Anglo word "Uroe", meaning "Penis," and the Saxon word "Poopp," which means "Poop."
3c. This isn't how I remember the game.
That's not a question, but if you must know, this is based of the superior PC version. It has added weather effects, increased resolution, and Amy pees herself if you tickle her just right.
D. Sonic the Fighters (Sonic Championship):
1d. Why haven't I seen this before?
It was an arcade game, with a very limited American release, not unlike that Japanese proctology game. (True story!)
2d. Who are Bark and Bean?
Well, Bean the Dynamo is from some obscure Sega title about a bomb throwing duck. Bark the Polar Bear may be as well, although it's entirely possible that I don't know what I'm talking about. In fact, I'll willing to bet money on that.
3d. An 8th emerald, and it's black? Whaaaaaaaaa?
Yes, but's Fang/Nack's, so there's a good chance it's fake. Either that, or the other emeralds are just tools of "the Massa Emerald," always keeping the black emerald down.
4d. Could Shadow kick all these jerks' asses?
Yes. Royally.
E. Game Gear Games:
1e. How do you beat Sonic 2?
With great difficulty.
2e. Who's this Fang the Sniper?
See Below.
3e. Who's this Nack the Weasel?
See Above.
4e. Are any of these games worth playing?
Yeah. While they aren't the best, but I heartily recommend "Sonic Triple Trouble," featuring Fang the Sniper/Nack the Weasel, who's a bounty hunter after the emeralds. He's kinda like Boba Fett, only fuzzy. Oh yeah, and he has a rocket bike called the Marvelous Queen, which sounds like a veiled reference to Dame Edna. Knuckles is in it too and -- surprise, surprise -- he's been tricked by Eggman. Again. Man, that Echidna has all the common sense of the drunk broads on "Girls Gone Wild," and twice the clothing.
F. Bonus Content and Games
1f. What bonus games are there?
In the US, there's "Vectorman," and the aptly titled "Vectorman 2." In the Japanese version, there's also the "Streets of Rage" series. We're not missing much, however, since the streets of the America are full of enough rage as is.
2f. What bonus content is there?
Um, there are some pictures and a few remixes. Not too much really, but I suppose you can always use the box as a "bonus" coaster, or the manual as a "bonus" napkin.
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Well, that's that. You should now be the master of all things "Sonic Gems." If you have any other questions, feel free to look up a real FAQ. Quacker out.